"ME" Under the Knife

…liberally plagiarized from the Reader’s Digest!

RD: You were ill?
Me: Sure was.

RD: How were you diagnosed?
Me: Right before my track meet, I had a stomachache. I’ve had these before so did not think much of it. But it got worse, during the meet. Next day I went to the school nurse’s office. Never been there before. She got her book out and showed me appendicitis to satisfy my curiosity. “I think I have that.” She laughed and sent me home to see the family doctor. He laughed too and said there were twenty other things it could be. But after his exam and blood test, he said, “You may be the first person to correctly diagnose himself on this”. His office was in Chrisman, so they packed me up in dad’s car and mom took me to Danville to the hospital where I delivered a beautiful nine-pound baby appendix.

RD: You’re kidding about the nine pounds, right?
Me: Really, the appendix is supposed to be small, just the size of a pinkie. But mine had grown several times that size and attached itself to everything else down there it could see or feel!

RD: How was the surgery?
Me: This was in 1952. Surgeries then meant real surgery. None of this laparoscopic stuff. He took this butcher knife and a meat cleaver and opened me up like a side of beef. The incision went from my belly button almost down to the groin. I looked like I should be hanging up with the other sides of beef (or was it pork?).

RD: Anything else we don’t want to know about?
Me: Sure. The surgeon was really friendly and helpful. He went in there with both hands and slowly peeled that appendix away from attachment to a bunch of other organs. Then he cut it away from the origin, whatever that is, and brought out a pretzel. Ugliest thing you’ve ever seen. I looked like I should be down and out for a month.

RD: How long were you out?
Me: Well now, I did lose that quarter of school, because I developed an abscess, which had to be treated. I now have two belly buttons! I guess I’ve been born three times!

RD: Do you have a big scar?
Me: Big? It’s so big it ruined my otherwise perfect body. Of course, it was covered by hair in a week.

RD: It’s a common perception that men are big babies when they get sick. What kind of patient were you?
Me: I’m the opposite. I wanted to run track the next day. But the doctor wouldn’t let me out of bed.

RD: Appendix is a funny word. Is there a funnier body part?
Me: Appendix is good. It means “worthless”, or “useless”. No one can find a use for it after birth. My nose is a funny body part, too. But I think spleen is funniest, although bladder has its points, too.

RD: Did you get good get-well gifts?
Me: I got something from the coach asking where I was before he threw me off the team. I think a relative sent me a card too. I seem to recall a little plant, which my mom immediately took away. It wasn’t even a plant by my standard. It was a tiny pot with dirt and a stick and lots of pages of instructions on how to care for it. With a bit of other stuff, it was better than my usual birthday. I wish I had another appendix, so that I could score again.

RD: Well, you have still got your spleen, right?
Me: I think so. I don’t know what else they did in that hospital. You can die without that.

RD: I think that’s another “extra” organ.
Me: Oh, good. I’ll have that one removed next.

End of story.